I am the heaviest and fattest ive ever been. Fact.

i just can't seem to lose any weight... and i don't know if it's because im back on the anti-depressants at double the dose, or im eating more because im so stressed over my work situation.

i painted my new (single =[) room! it looks awesome. it has 1 red wall and 3 white walls. it looks so clean and new... i wish i could just change my body like i can change my room

to try to motivate me, i dyed my hair... the shade was "Crimson Promise" and it looks amazing. but i forgot that my hair is quite long and so needs more than one bottle to have even colour... so i have to go out tomorrow and buy another bottle.


my 20th birthday is coming up this month... im really sad that i won't been a teenager anymore. i am determined to get rid of this horrible fattness so that i can actually enjoy my birthday. so i want to lose a stone. my birthday is just over 2 weeks away, and at 1lb a day, i can do it!

I love Breakfast at Tiffany's! i was watching it the other day, and i was amazed at how tiny audrey hepburn was! and i read about her and she vowed never to let her weight go above 103lbs except when she's pregnant! she is amazing.

i can't decide whether to cut my hair or not. i love it long and i have always wanted long hair, but i always end up cutting it before long. i like shoulder length ish hair. but my hair goes frizzy when its shorter.

i really have to sort out all my stuff. there are bags and boxes of it on my floor, because i havent had the energy to sort them out. so anything i need i have to root through bin bags for.

urgh im going. im slightly tipsy and very tired... and Quills is on... hmmm.. joaquin phoenix is fit!

urgh, im feeling really emotional and sad.

I havent been taking my anti-depressants and its starting to show.

i feel so low right now and so tearful. i think the fact ive not been very well doesn't help matters. and ive been listening to sad songs. but happy songs just don't sound right when you're down.

my weight is not going down. my clothes look awful on me and the situation with work is getting me down.

my area manager wants to speak to me soon, and im completly stressed. i don't know what to do.

right. im off to listen to heart wrenching songs.

it seems to be going ok. everytime i feel hungry i drink a glass of milk... and ive only had 4 so far out of the 6 i am allowed today.

this morning at 7am i was 184.6lbs and had a body fat percentage of 40.7%
5pm today i was 182lbs and 40.6% body fat... if this is how its going to be everyday, i'm going to be VERY happy!

if i am going to lose the 15lbs, then i need to lose 2lbs everyday. which after today doesnt seem too hard! i just hope i can do it!

bad news is 10 mins ago i had half a pancake... =|
i feel sick and might go purge it. i feel guilty now!

will power is not a strong point for me! i reached my lowest weight when i was at the lowest part of my depression. and i looked pretty skinny, but really like a zombie

OH MY LORD

ok. height: 5 foot 7 ish
CW : 184.6lbs!!!!!!!
body fat percentage: 40.7!!!!

holy crap!

Day 1 of Milk Diet - 6 cups of skimmed milk

7am - 1 cup of milk
            3 cups of water

eeep! im hungry, but to take my mind off of hunger pains, im creating my thinspo journal. its amazing.. altho pictures of Betty Boop are on the bottom of every page =|

wish me luck people! im hoping that i will lose the 15lbs that you're supposed to lose on this diet! then i will be at the weight i was when i was 15... not my lowest though =|

EWW! I just took some pictures of me "before" i do the milk diet, and I am so huge! its disgusting! i dare not weigh myself atm. but i have to in the morning to see how much i lose!
I'd post my current stats but im too disgusted!
Recovery blows.. even though i decided to do it! argh!
and to make it worse, i've gone up to a massive disgusting BMI and am clinically overweight!

I wish i could just go running! but if i do i will not be able to do things like wash, clean, and stay awake! which i suppose would actually be advantageous... hmm. something to think about!


Oh and my distraction technique... give yourself an manicure and a pedicure! its awesome and the smell of nail polish remover makes me want to vomit!

Oats and more bars! the chocolate ones!!! 114 calories, AND i get my choc fix!

ok, so today my M.E. is pretty bad. I've only just woken up and i feel like i'm in a bubble today and everything is so surreal!
So i went downstairs to get something to drink and ended up making a cup of tea... and eating DAMN BOURBON BISCUITS! ffs! my mum went shopping today and she came back with CHOCOLATE BLOODY BISCUITS! argh. and no salad!

on Tuesday, when i was out i found that my ex-best mate (who had fallen out with me because of his GF) has now finished with the GF.
and when i was doing the pub quiz (yey pub quiz) he came over to mine and my best mates table to chat to my best mate. i was feeling soooo awkward and so i texted my mate, who was across the room (lol) to say i was feeling awkward, and he text back that i should go chat. so i did. and i was feeling really stupid, but i didn't know he'd broken up with his GF and so i was like "well, don't want him to get into trouble if she findss out he was at my table" so i just kinda left. then when me and my BFF went and got pizza, he was like "oh exbff has split up with his GF" and i was like WTF!

anyhoos, i rang my exbff on my bff's phone (keep up lol) and told him there was pizza spare if he wanted it, and we actually had a semi-convo without it getting awkward.

but now im confused, because of all the stuff he said to me when we were fighting, and i kept a copy of it all so ill always remember what a complete shit he was to me, and why ill never be his mate again. .. and i just lost loads of what i wrote and i cant even remember what i wrote so i cant write it again SODDING M.E.!!!!!

anyhoos. todays started of shit. im off to work off those biscuits.

xoxo

i feel so crap right now. so last night i had an amazing dream about this guy i like, and we were laid on my bed cuddling. and i woke up so upset because he hasn't been texting me or talking to me when we are out. after a few drinks he looks at me, but thats it. im shy and his friends have told me that he is very shy. and i know that he stopped texting me because he saw me and im really fat! fat fat FAT! we were texting for a few weeks, and he hadn't seen me for a few months. and now he just doesn't seem to be interested. and im sick of not having someone special. ALL my friends have someone. I'm so alone. and FAT. and all i want to do is curl up in a ball.

oh and i caught one of my toenails awkwardly this afternoon and its coming off! and bleeding! and it hurts so bad!


argh!

does that work?

anyhoos, if it does, thats what i want to happen. before my 20th birthday i will be rid of this horrible crap

im so tired. yesterday i had to use a bloody walking stick to go to town!

bad news is that my dentist says i have to have 5 fillings and a tooth extraction. purging is not good for teeth!
good news is im having sedation to get that done. i wanted a general anaesthetic but they say sedation will be safer and less risky. im still shitting!

EDIT: i lost my damn pin to change the loss!! dammit!

so i had an excellent time in Leeds. i ended up drunk in bed with my mate and the birthday boy! all innocent tho. i actually texted the guy i like to come and join me.. he was only in the other room! anyhoos, he came thru the door and the birthday coy kicked him out! and locked the door! gutted! so this weekend, fri nite, went out into town and wore my lovely gorge new dress and new wedges. had to walk the 15 mins to town.. my skin was rubbed raw on my feet! and then had to walk around all night! and now my feet are all icky! eew! and i was hoping the guy i like would come out, but he was on World of Warcraft raiding... =[ i was sending texts like "if youre out come and see me. i have a present for you lol" and still got no reply.

men are confusing! and i still feel like a fat heffer, but im such a hypocrite as i have a massive packet of choc digestives next to me! hopefully tomorro i can get back on the restricting!